FOOL'S EYE VIEW
Dealing With A Partner In Debt

By Jane Mack (TMFJane)
November 2, 2004

One of the questions that frequently crops up on our Dealing With Debt discussion board is that of how to persuade a profligate partner of the need to face up to financial problems.

It's all very well 'seeing the light' when it comes to handling debt problems but it can be very hard trying to get out of debt if your partner is a spendthrift who refuses to accept that there is a problem and that they need to change their spending habits.

It's not surprising, therefore, that according to Relate, the marriage guidance experts, money is the biggest single cause of rows between couples and that it can be a direct cause of relationship breakdown. (And if you think that only people without money have rows about it, then think again. Even couples with money quarrel about it when they disagree about how to spend it).

There are some steps you can take to help your partner see the light but you're going to have to do a fair bit of work by yourself and use a 'softly softly catchee monkey' approach if you're going to persuade them to at least turn and face the same direction as you.

Before you do anything, you need to work out the numbers. There's no point in shouting about how she shouldn't have spent money on that pair of shoes or how he shouldn't have bought a new DVD player if s/he hasn't been given a chance to see why the money shouldn't have been spent.

So start by using our Statement of Affairs calculator in our Get out of Debt Centre, or a simple spreadsheet, to work out your income, your essential outgoings and your debts. You need to know exactly where you stand financially so you can show your partner absolute proof that there is a problem.

Next, figure out a plan of action. The Get out of Debt Centre will give you several ideas such as shifting the debts to credit cards with a 0% or low interest rate and changing your gas and electricity suppliers to cheaper ones. Also, you can find out how to use a 'snowball' to clear your debts faster.

Only then tackle your partner. Try to be positive rather than negative about it. "I've been thinking about how we can afford that car/new kitchen/holiday in the Caribbean and I've been doing some numbers. Can we go over them at the weekend to see what you think?"

Try and have a calm conversation using the Statement of Affairs calculations to illustrate the financial position you're both in. Use whatever tactics you know might work – after all you know your partner better than anyone. For example:

• Play on the fact that you may not have remembered all the income and expenditure and that you really need their input. Flattery does work sometimes!
• Show them how much is going on interest payments every month - even at low rates, it's probably still a substantial amount. If you can point out that, say, £500 is being wasted every year just on servicing the debt and that you could get a cheap package deal to Spain for that, it might help to gently push the point home.
• Point out many hours of work they're having to put in just to service the debts. "You're busting your guts all week just to pay off the (insert name of toy or whatever here) that you bought three years ago and don't even use anymore"
• Try to get them to suggest ways of tackling certain debts, show them your own plan of action and ask if they think it would work and what they might think would be better.

It is important to try and sell the idea that the two of you are a team fighting the rest of the world and that if you both work together you will be able to have that new car/kitchen/holiday etc. Not yet, but eventually. Stress that the life changes you need to make are only temporary and that it will be worth it in the end.

If you can agree that action needs to be taken, then start talking about how you're going to do it. Get your partner involved even if it's just in a minor way: "I'll sort out the application to transfer that debt to an interest-free credit card - can you sort out switching the gas company to a cheaper provider?"

Be creative about saving or making money. Look around the house and sell whatever you no longer need or use - what you consider junk is someone else's treasure.

If your finances are really dire then consider getting a second job. Seriously. It's not something we tend to do so much in the UK but in the States it's how a lot of folks deal with financial problems because it's one of the fastest ways of getting out of debt. While it may sound painful at first, there's almost always time in the day or night when you can find a few hours where part-time work is possible. The income you bring in will make an incredible difference when using it to pay down debts.

Don't tie the noose too tightly. Work out a budget and make sure it includes some fun money. If your partner doesn't feel that they are being rewarded in some way for their efforts, they'll be more inclined to reward themselves by spending again. If you both plan these things into the budget, then your partner won't feel as if you're trying to restrict his or her spending too much.

Above all, communicate, communicate, communicate. When you manage to pay off a credit card through snowballing, sing about it so your partner knows that his/her efforts are paying off. Praise them when they've resisted the temptation to buy something they really wanted. Share the successes and failures so that you keep each other motivated.

If you can get your partner to buy into the idea of getting out of debt so you eventually have the money to do something you both really want to do, they'll be more likely to help. If it doesn't work, you haven't lost anything. If it does, you'll at least be in the position of having to find something else to argue about – because it surely won't be about money!

Find out how to Get Out Of Debt and see our 25 Quick Money-Saving Tips