FOOL'S EYE VIEW
Partner Trouble

By Jane Mack (TMFJane)
May 3, 2002

If there's one thing that was ever designed to cause arguments in a relationship, it's money. According to Relate, the marriage guidance experts, it's the biggest single cause of rows between couples and can be a direct cause of relationship breakdown. And if you think that only people without money have rows about it, think again. Even couples with money quarrel when they disagree about how to spend it.

Money becomes a particularly serious issue when your finances are inextricably linked and you're heading into the Black Hole of Debt. It can be very hard trying to get out of debt if your partner is a spendthrift and refuses to accept that there is a problem with their spending habits.

There are some steps you can take to help your partner see the light. However, you're going to have to do a fair bit of work by yourself and use a 'softly softly catchee monkey' approach if you're going to persuade them to at least turn and face the same direction as you.

Before you do anything, you need to work out the numbers. There's no point in shouting about how she shouldn't have spent money on that pair of shoes or how he shouldn't have bought a new DVD player if they haven't been given a chance to see why you can't afford it. Use the Statement of Affairs calculator in our Get Out of Debt Centre, or a simple spreadsheet, to work out your income, your essential outgoings and your debts. You need to know exactly where you stand financially so you can show them absolute proof that there is a problem.

Next, figure out a plan of action. The Get Out of Debt Centre will give you several ideas, such as shifting the debts to credit cards with lower interest rates and changing your gas and electricity suppliers to cheaper ones. Our Snowball Calculator will enable you to work out how long it will take to clear the debts if you do this, that or the other. Print off a version that shows what will happen if you do nothing as well as a version that illustrates the benefits of taking action.

Only then tackle your partner. Try to be positive rather than negative about it: "I've been thinking about how we can afford that car/new kitchen/holiday and I've been doing some numbers. Can we go over them at the weekend to see what you think?"

Try and have a calm conversation, using the Statement of Affairs calculations to illustrate the financial position you're both in. Use whatever tactics you know might work -- after all, you know your partner better than anyone. For example:

• Play on the fact that you may not have remembered all the income and expenditure items and that you really need their input. Flattery does work sometimes!
  
• Show them how much is going on interest payments every month. Even at a low rate, it's probably still a substantial amount. If you can point out that, say, £500 is being wasted every year just on servicing the debt and that you could get a cheap package deal to Spain for that, it might help to gently push the point home.
  
• If they don't like their job, point out how many hours of work they're putting in just to service the debts. "You're busting your gut all week just to pay off the (insert name of toy or whatever here) that you bought three years ago and don't even use anymore".
  
• Try to get them to suggest ways of tackling certain debts. Show them your own plan of action and ask if they think it would work and what they think could be better.

It is important to try and sell the idea that the two of you are a team fighting the rest of the world and that if you both work together, you will be able to have that new car, kitchen or holiday. Not yet though, but eventually. Stress that the life changes you need to make are only temporary and that it will be worth it in the end.

If you can agree that action needs to be taken, then start talking about how you're going to do it. Get them involved, even if it's just in a minor way: "I'll sort out the application for a lower interest rate credit card and see if we can get a better deal on that loan. Can you sort out switching the gas company?"

Be creative about saving or making money. Look around the house and sell whatever you no longer need or use. What you consider junk is someone else's treasure.

If your finances are really dire, then consider getting a second job. Seriously. It's not something we tend to do so much in the UK, but in the States, another job is how a lot of American Fools deal with financial problems, as it's one of the fastest ways of getting shot of debt. While it may sound painful at first, there's almost always time in the day or night when you can find a few hours where part-time work is possible. The income you bring in will make an incredible difference to your debts.

Importantly, don't tie the noose too tightly. Work out a budget and ensure it includes some fun money. If your partner doesn't feel rewarded in some way for their efforts, they'll be more inclined to spend again. If you both plan these things into the budget, then your partner won't feel as if you're trying to restrict them.

Above all, communicate, communicate, communicate. Show them when you've managed to pay off a credit card so they can see that both your efforts are paying off. Praise them when they've resisted the temptation to buy something they really wanted. Share the successes and failures so that you keep each other motivated.

If you can get your partner to buy into the idea of getting out of debt so you eventually have the money to do something you both really want to do, they'll be more likely to help. If it doesn't work, you haven't lost anything. If it does, you'll at least be in the position of having to find something else to argue about -- because it surely won't be about money!

More: Visit The Fool's Get Out of Debt Centre