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And that little something just arrived for me in the shape of a unique, once-in-a-lifetime, special invitation from Malcolm Craig, the editor of Stockmarket Confidential. Now this is really just an invitation to subscribe to the aforementioned rag, and plenty of such invitations regularly cross the Oscroft threshold. Normally, they get as far as the bin, so what is so special about this one?
Well, this is one of those "I've managed to find a way to help a small handful of private investors beat the 'big boys'" kind of thing. And why me personally? Because he thinks I have initiative and he thinks I deserve it, it seems.
But it's the kind of language that the "ex-City renegade" uses that makes me smile. "City movers and shakers make telephone number fortunes from investments. Yet quite simple, ordinary investors never get to share in their knowledge." I love that phrase, "telephone numbers." Hey, Mr Craig. I already made a telephone number return myself last year. OK, it might only have been the number for directory enquires, but next year I'm hoping to move up to emergency services.
He goes on about the "forbidden knowledge" that he claims his select group of investors are benefiting from. And that, along with making me smile, actually makes me feel a little sad too. The idea that to be a successful investor you require access to some sort of privileged information is a particularly unpleasant one to propagate, I think. Anyone acting on insider information that is not freely available is, of course, acting illegally. And though tipsheet pundits like these don't actually claim to be handing out anything illegal, their cloak-and-dagger approach does play to the dream of getting ahead by devious means.
Anyway, after promising this "forbidden" knowledge, my new benefactor goes on to use that other favourite tool of tipsters -- hindsight -- to tell me how much I might have made by following his tips. And it gives him "a kick to help ordinary people get super-wealthy." And he chose me!
This man is clearly my fairly godfather, but why me? And why does he want to help us ordinary folk in the first place?
Well, it's because he likes doing it so much. It seems he gets bored just sitting around his Norfolk estate and can't resist using his renegade skills to beat his ex-mates in the City. And he doesn't need the money (he's already made his fortune, you see), so now he's using his skills to help me instead. Me and the rest of his select few private investors, that is.
Now here's a good bit. Clearly realising that we want to see results, not just fine words, our hero shows us his trading record for the past 4 years. For 1999, his average gain on his "92 sell recommendations" was around 83%, and his portfolio still holds a further 38 companies that he hasn't sold. Hmm, that's 130 companies all together. If you've got enough money to make that number of investments, with a reasonable minimum investment in each company, you're unlikely to be needing any tipsheets. But never mind...
The previous three years records look equally impressive, with large numbers of trades having taken place. But wait a minute, what's this? For 1998, we see a list of the gains "on the sell recommendations during the period" For 1997, we see "the overall gain on 54 companies", though whether they were just the sell recommendations is unspecified. For 1996, we see the "average gain on the 56 recommendations made for a buy and a subsequent sell." So, different years, different criteria eh? Hmm.
Infinite gearing, that's the next secret. All you do is invest £1,000, make a "brilliant profit" of 48%, take your original £1,000 back and spend the rest of your life turning that £480 into millions. Tell you what, those "former colleagues" of his in the City who he just loves beating must be smart guys indeed if it takes a fiendishly clever plan like this to beat them, don't you think?
And the 24-page booklet goes on and on in similar vein. And I have to confess my smile is wearing thin. By the time I've got past stuff like "The Stock Market returns they'd rather you didn't know about", "I started off in the City when bankers still wore bowler hats", "How I saved my readers from the crash of 1987", and "Nothing can beat 30 years' experience in spotting the winners", that bin I mentioned earlier is beckoning strongly.
But just one last bit, right at the end, brings that smile back....
"Remember, the tips and advice I'll be sending you are highly exclusive. The reason we can make so much money is exactly because so few people know about them. So please don't be tempted to leak them to the press or to any friends who may do that." Mum's the word, then.
Ah well, Stockmarket Confidential bumf in the bin; I'm back to the real world of rational long-term investing without the need for tipsters or gooroos.
'Night all.
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