MONEY COMMENT
Banish Annoying Sales Calls Forever!

By Cliff D'Arcy
July 20, 2004

Imagine the scene: it's the end of another hard day. You've had your evening meal and completed all of your household chores. You've put on your favourite soap opera, film or piece of music and are sitting in your most comfortable chair with your feet up when... the telephone rings. You walk briskly over to the phone and answer it, only to find yourself on the end of... another irritating sales call!

Here are seven sensible and seven silly tips on getting rid of unwanted sales calls and junk mail (I've used a male caller, although most call-centre staff are female):

Sensible: Sign up to the free Telephone Preference Service (TPS). Companies are legally required to remove names on the TPS database before creating their calling lists.

Silly: Pretend you know the caller. Cry out, "Oh wow, [Darren]! Is it really you? I thought we'd lost touch forever! How the devil are you, old friend?" This will give [Darren] a few brief moments of terror as he tries to figure out from where he could possibly know you!

Sensible: Turn back the tide of junk mail by registering with the Mailing Preference Service (MPS), which is also free.

Silly: Claim that you know the caller is really your friend Denise playing a practical joke. "Stop messing about, Denise! I know it's you. Seriously, are you coming round later?" (This is funnier if you pretend it's someone of the opposite gender - and keep up the joke until the caller hangs up.)

Sensible: Print a page of sticky labels that you can use to return unwanted mail. A sample message might be, "RETURN TO SENDER. Please remove this address from all your databases and mailing lists."

Silly: Tell him that you're under house arrest and won't listen until he has ordered you a pizza.

Sensible: If the mailshot includes a reply-paid envelope, stuff the whole lot into it and send it back. If you want to be extra-helpful, throw in all those pizza leaflets, estate agents' fliers and minicab cards that litter your doormat. This conveniently gets rid of all your junk mail, plus the company has to pay the Royal Mail for delivery!

Silly: Tell him that you're busy and ask for his home number so you can call him back later. When he says that you can't call him at home, yell, "Bingo!" and hang up.

Sensible: The TPS and MPS will not stop offers from companies with which you already have a relationship. You need to tell each company to add a 'do not mail or call' marker to their records.

Silly: Claim that you are hard of hearing and need to write everything down. Ask him to speak very slowly and get him to repeat everything several times... louder... louder... LOUDER!

Sensible: Companies that ignore the TPS and MPS 'do not contact' databases are much more likely to be dodgy, because they are already breaking the law. Just hang up on callers who claim you've won a free holiday or allege that they have the inside story on the latest 'wonder share'.

Silly: Ask him to spell every important word: his name, his company's name, location, etc. Keep asking lots of inane questions about himself and his company until he gives up in disgust.

Sensible: Ask him if he uses the product that he's selling. If he does, ask detailed questions about his favourite features. If he doesn't, ask why not - since it's such a great product?

Silliest: Ask him to hold for thirty seconds and then put the handset down on the table before acting out an everyday madcap scene. Fun examples include noisily eating a meal, arguing with a relative, chasing a pet, or being mauled by a pack of wild kangaroos. Alternatively, wander off before replacing the receiver after ten minutes.

It's fun to see who will hang up first!

More: How To Make Banks Hate You | Annoying Habits Of Credit Card Companies.

Many thanks to mcar66 for the post on Jokers Corner that inspired this article.