The Bribble

[ September 1, 2000 ]

Shopping Just Got Easier?

By John Ravenscroft (JRavenscroft)

My wife Kathy hates shopping. My mother loves it, but Kathy doesn't. She hates it.

The kind she hates most of all is supermarket shopping, so when her friend Stella told her how she orders all her groceries online and gets them delivered to the door, Kathy decided we'd do the same.

Last night I staggered in from work and found her sitting at the computer.

"I've set it all up," she said. "You're just in time to see me do the very first shop!"

"That's nice, dear," I said.

"Stella's husband helps her. You can help me."

She yanked me down onto the chair beside her, thrust a scribbled list into my hand, and logged on. The supermarket website came up, the cursor blinking in the password box. She grinned and typed in SPENDMORE.

"Spendmore?" I said.

"Just my little joke," she said.

She clicked Enter. The screen flickered.

Please wait while your superstore loads.

We waited.

"We'll save on petrol, too," she said, sitting back and sipping her wine like they do on the adverts.

"Yes, dear," I said.

We waited some more.

"And anyway, it's worth five quid not to have to spend hours slogging up and down those bloody aisles, isn't it?"

"Yes, dear," I said.

She finished off her wine and refilled her glass. Then she sighed and began tapping the tabletop.

Now, I love Kathy but she isn't the most patient woman in the world. When things go wrong she can flip either way -- mad as hell, or laughing at life's absurdities. But I didn't like that tapping. That tapping was a Bad Sign.

She sighed again.

The screen flickered.

"Oh come on!" she yelled, and the list I was holding started to shake a bit.

As if she'd startled it into action the website began flashing various welcome messages: Click here for Wine Selector, it said. Click here for Express Shopper. Click here for Everything You Need. Shopping Just Got Easier!

"About time!" said Kathy. "Right - what's on the list?"

I glanced down at the first item. "Pantyliners," I said.

"OK. let's find pantyliners."

The computer told her to select a Department.

She thought a bit, drank some more wine, and selected Health, Beauty and Baby.

Select an Aisle said the computer.

She selected Personal Care.

Select a Shelf said the computer.

"For Christ's sake!" said Kathy.

She selected Sanitary Products.

I'd already come to the conclusion that this online shopping lark might be OK for Stella, but it wasn't for us. Stella's a quiet, passive soul. Kathy doesn't do passive.

The screen went blank. Don't crash, I thought. I'll do anything, but please don't crash.

It didn't. Instead, it exploded with pantyliners.

Kathy blinked. "Look at that lot," she said. "You wouldn't think there were so many different types, would you?"

"No, dear," I said. "You wouldn't."

She drank some more wine, looked at me, and started to giggle. She'd flipped the right way. I could relax.

"This is crazy," she said. "What do you call those things I have? Are they Active Pantyliners, Large, 30's -- or Active Pantyliners, Normal, 34's?"

"Pass," I said. "Shall I go and fetch the box?"

She nodded, grinning.

When I came back downstairs the computer was switched off and there was a glass of wine waiting for me.

I looked at the dead screen and raised my eyebrows.

She shrugged. "What would you rather have? An angry online shopper, or a slightly sozzled sex machine?"

It was a tough choice, but someone had to make it.

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