The Bribble

[ May 3, 2000 ]

The Stock Market and The Great Unwashed

By Sarah Wilson (cercefool

(Important-sounding loud music as camera pans around the darkened studio. The camera's view comes to rest on two figures seated in modern armchairs on a dais. The music fades as the studio illuminates, revealing two men. One is formally dressed in suit, the other wears designer smart-casual, Paul Smith maybe...)

Interviewer (the really smart one): Good Evening, and welcome back to Channel D News. Tonight, in our regular assessment of life in the modern United Kingdom, we turn to the rise of the stock market in the Post-Thatcherite economy. I'm joined by Dr Chris Fabian, professor of Economics at Bolsover University Institute of Arts and Technology, and editor of The Concerned Socialist. Good Evening, Professor Fabian.

Prof Fabian: Good Evening, Gerald.

Interviewer: Professor Fabian, it's been another week of stock market turbulence; share prices have been on something of a roller-coaster lately. What are we to make of it all?

Prof Fabian: What indeed! Only yesterday, share prices went crashing down by an average of 3 or 4 per cent. Today, they've rocketed up by anything up to five per cent!

Interviewer: Worrying times, Professor Fabian. But, tell me, are we seeing here a stock market crash or bubble?

Prof Fabian: Yes, Gerald, are we looking at a crash or a bubble? One day shares are going up in price, the next day, they are going down... we just don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Will they go up again, will they go down? This is the issue, Gerald, we just don't know.

Interviewer: Err...yes. Before the break, our reporter Harnider Bains spoke to some city traders. They didn't seem bothered by this at all; they said it was just "normal stock market jitters". So perhaps we don't need to worry?

Prof Fabian: Jitters indeed! I mean, if I could just take you up on that point Gerald, they would say that wouldn't they? You see, these people are part of a fundamental problem that is threatening stability of our country today, and it's really up to the Government to do something about it.

Interviewer: How do you see the problem, Professor Fabian?

Prof Fabian: The problem, Gerald, as I see it, is these rich, fat-cat city types exploiting the poor and innocent.

Interviewer: And how is this related to stock market volatility?

Prof Fabian: Well, let me give you an example. As you probably know, a lot of so-called "small investors" have been piling into the stock market of late. Now, these are not educated people like you and me, nor the money-savvy capitalists we saw in Harnider's report. These are just ordinary workers, many of them Northern, living in terraced houses with fifteen kids, wearing flat caps and working down t'pit, with only the whippet racing at weekends to look forward to. The sort of people I see every day. These people are being duped by irresponsible Internet sites into thinking that shares are the sort of thing they can, and should be buying.

Interviewer: But given that the stock market is a major force of wealth-creation in our economy, some would say, why shouldn't people without degrees and Northerners benefit?

Prof Fabian: As we've seen over the past few days, the stock market is a volatile, cruel, dangerous place. People who've never been to London, let alone The City, are being conned into investing not in sensible, profitable companies like Marks & Spencers or Boots, but in these so called new "e-commerce" shares like Baltimore Technology or ARM Holdings, about which we know nothing.

Interviewer (holding his hand against his earpiece): Err, I think ARM Holdings went up by quite a bit today...

Prof Fabian: YES, and they may go down again tomorrow! This is the problem Gerald, this is the problem, we JUST DON'T KNOW! If the stock market crashes, these people will lose all their money. With government cutbacks, hordes of bankrupted investors could be forced into selling their children into prostitution.

Interviewer: And if the market goes up, surely they'll be a lot wealthier. Maybe rich enough trade the flat cap in for a bowler? (Chuckles smugly at his own witty insight)

Prof Fabian (Chuckling too, before regaining his composure somewhat): But the point is, Gerald, the stock market doesn't always go up, sometimes it goes down. Remember Black Monday? Whenever I see the stock market reported on television, it's always experiencing a huge crash. So, it's obvious that the stock market is a place where people lose lots of money.

Interviewer: So, what would be your remedy for the situation?

Prof Fabian: It is simply insanity for the Government to be encouraging people who don't know their sushi from sashimi or have never been to an opera to try and understand shares. They simply don't have the capability to make wise decisions like the professionals. The Government should put an immediate ban on people like this...

Interviewer: Poor people?

Prof Fabian: ...the working classes, from buying shares. The stock market is volatile and uncertain. Normal people would be much better just forgetting the whole thing and just trusting the government to look after them in old age. If they must get involved in finance, they should be buying annuities and managed funds from the professionals, who obviously have a much better idea of how this stock market thing works.

Interviewer: So, you don't see wider share ownership as a desirable feature in modern society?

Prof Fabian: Definitely not. That approach just gives a carte blanche to the fat-cat city types who want to rip off and exploit poor people.

Interviewer: Thank you, Professor Fabian.

Prof Fabian: Thank you, Gerald.

(This corner of the studio falls into darkness once more, as the camera pans round to a rather bored looking Ms McCluskey, who quickly pretends to tap something into her iMac keyboard...)

Ms McCluskey: The news headlines once more. The stock market staged something of a recovery today after yesterday's panic selling following rumours that US Presidential contender Al Gore could be the real father of...

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