Couples and Cash

As we all know, money can't buy you love -- the Beatles said so, didn't they?

What they didn't say is that money can buy you a whole bunch of arguments. In fact, it's probably the chief cause of rows in a relationship. Think about it. What do you really argue about? Does it mostly boil down to money? Perhaps the best Valentine's Day present we could really give our partner would be a proper discussion about our finances.

Some time ago a young woman posted on one of the Motley Fool's discussion boards asking how she could reconcile her "Miss Small" spending habits with her fiancé's "Mr Big" style of spending. What would happen when she married him? Would he continue to accumulate debts that she would find hard to deal with? How could she approach a discussion of her concerns without making him feel that she wanted to stop his spending - to control him? Should she merge her money with his considering they had such differing philosophies about money?

There are many approaches to money management between couples but, in my view, the key things are openness and communication. You have to lay your cards on the table, be honest about what your priorities are in life and where your weaknesses lie. I think you also have to let your partner see your bank statements.

Money matters in a relationship -- and not just where debts are concerned. It matters particularly if one partner stops working - for whatever reason - because that's when you really have to learn how to share what you have.

The queries from "Miss Small" made me ask some general questions of friends who had just one breadwinner in the family: mostly mum at home looking after the children and dad working. It's very odd asking other couples how they manage their finances. Most don't want to talk about it - or else one partner claims that "everything's fine" even though I know from discussions with the other partner that it isn't. The couples who were open and direct about how they managed their finances were the only ones who agreed that they never had rows about money. They had successfully negotiated an arrangement with each other that suited them both - mainly because they'd actually talked about it.

For example, one friend told me that, when she gave up work to look after her first-born, she negotiated a 'monthly salary' from her husband - it went into her personal bank account and she knew it was hers to spend or save as she wished. She said it made her feel valued as a housewife and mother because her husband accepted her need for some form of financial independence after giving up her career - and he recognised the fact that she earned it! Another stay-at-home mother was perfectly happy to access her husband's account whenever she wanted to because he had managed to convince her that his money really was her money too.

What I found difficult to handle were the husbands who said: "Oh, I give her what I think she needs and I deal with everything else". It came across as demeaning. Who wants to be given a bit of pocket money along with a metaphorical pat on the head?

But what's the alternative if you're the non-earner in a relationship?

It seems to me that if both partners are working, they should each have their own accounts into which their salary is paid - plus a joint account out of which they pay for household expenses. Each should contribute an agreed amount to the joint account to meet all the monthly direct debits, and what's left is their own to spend as they wish. (Miss Small would probably be happy with that arrangement, as would Mr Big.)

But when one partner is not working, it's not so simple. She's not earning so, in theory, she's helpless and dependent. He is earning so he's got the financial control and, therefore, the power. In my view that means he's the one who should make the most concessions by ensuring there is only one account into which his salary is paid and to which both have free and easy access. At the very least someone like Miss Small would know what their financial situation is.

But then, as I read somewhere recently, one man's snails are another man's escargots. The important thing is to talk about it, isn't it?